*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
let’s discuss
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐