I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
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Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.