I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Flock of bats
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.