It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
What’s a Messi?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.