Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Dune (2021)
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.