It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what