INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.