Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
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genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Terribly Tuesday.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself