“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
estão todos miauvindo?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.