[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses