*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
You Might Also Like
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.