Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
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teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.