Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Quadruple digit IQ
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here