DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.