I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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Liquor Store Parking
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Ain’t no way
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.