What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
HR said no more nunchucks.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.