[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you