Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Basically.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere