“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break