bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.