Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
#CatsOnTwitter
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂