When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
You Might Also Like
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 馃槼
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
i actually don鈥檛 have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Good boy 馃槀馃槀
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Alanis Morissette: It鈥檚 like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma鈥檃m, nobody asked you to shop here.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
doing your own taxes
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.