I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”