My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
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Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.