Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.