You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
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Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.