why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
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What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.