A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.