Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.