lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
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Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.