My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
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i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Gemma Correll
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape