My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
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I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work