me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My blood type is coffee.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.