everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
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Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My flabber has been gasted.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir