[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
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Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs