The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
You Might Also Like
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.