if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd