“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
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The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.