I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
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jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.