My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.