Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
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So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’d … I’d rather not.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm