It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.