I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
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Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.