Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
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The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura