Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
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At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think