Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.