Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 馃槒
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what鈥檚 going on.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
reviewed some movies recently
It鈥檚 fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I鈥檇 never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there鈥檚 more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that鈥檚 a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I鈥檓 pretty sure it鈥檚 a Ferrari.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she鈥檚 only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I鈥檓 walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That鈥檚 what they get for trying to escape.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
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