Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Twitter fine art
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Every work call, he judges.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.