I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad: