Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
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FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Danger is very dangerous
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up